Okay, so, you all are probably wondering what's been going on lately?Maybe not. Anyways, since I am...Growing colder, and darker, and closer to death as the days drag on, I thought I'd post a list of what is going on behind the scenes.
1.My parents- mainly my mom- Getting on my nerves, not letting me LIVE. Not giving me any freedom at all.. I've been grounded since December 19.
a. I have so many fucking rules to follow while I live at this house, and it's driving me insane. I can't handle this. I can't handle not being able to come and go as I please, and not being able to go to where I want, and to go with whom I please.
b. I can't handle my own fucking parents not trusting me. It's..Not fair. I make one little mistake, and my parents chain and bind me to the house, and get suspicious of me, at my every turn. It really hurts, and makes me feel guilty, and wretched, and like I don't deserve to be alive.
c. I can't handle PCS... It's fucking rediculous! I'm taking Latin, and Physics.... Those are supposed to be ninth grade classes? What the HELL!??!?!!? The level of academia at PCS is way too high for me, and I just can't HANDLE it, I need some downtime.
d. I am SICK of my parents criticizing the way I live, and DO everything... Like, every method I have for doing anything they shoot down... What the fuck, I just can't STUDY and have a social life, and down time at the same TIME. My mom always bitches at me for not doing my work and stuff, when I really didn't know we had any due, or just didn't keep track..I'm gradually trying harder, and I'm willing to expand the work period, if it takes longer. I'm patient over TIME, but she just shoots off her mouth with things like "you're NEVER going to be free, you're going to live here FOREVER, and you're going to get a shitass job, and only have enough money to pay the rent, and you're never going to finish highschool, and I am so dissapointed"...and blablabla WHO GIVES A SHIT... I swear to god, sometimes I want to smack her. And then my mom criticisez that I talk to people on line, and she makes it seem like you can't trust ANYONE online, and that they're all sex-mongers... And like, fifty percent of the people at furcon are probably fairly normal...
e. Anyways, I myself, am very, very off, and have wierd fetishes of my own!! I just CAN"T DO ANYTHING or say anything, because of how the way they would treat me, and what they would think and say...I fucking hate it. I have to pretend to be some stupid bitch whore with a stick up her ass.... I was introduced at an early age, and now I'm corrupt, and I don't care. But I can't tell them that, oh ho no, I still have to continue practicing there fucking worthless religion, and live under their roof full of PRICKS. I hate this family so much. I might as well be living in a bording school/convent teaching proper ettiquite. WELL GUESS WHAT?!?!!?!? I'm bisexual, Wiccan, and I like porn!
f. Out of all this, I feel terrible, and my mom pounds these ideas into my head, that I get PARTIALLY INFLUENCED, and start to believe everything she says...and then I really do start to think everyone online is crazy, and messed up..... UGH. and I feel so guilty, like how she said she "just wanted to curl up in a ball and dissapear" when we go to court.... What the fuck, does she not think I will be ashamed too, to be talking to a judge about shoplifting?!!?!?!?
2. The workload...At PCS.....Is fucking bullshit. There is NO way they should expect any HUMAN to do that much work!!!! First off, I come from a shitty public school...SECOND, I hardly took ANY classes last year, infact, I took TWO academic classes.... I don't even CONSIDER English at Aptos an academic class...I was in honor's and got straight A's every quarter....See, I might as well go back to fucking Aptos and just be treated like shit for two and a half more years... I am fed up to the BRIM with the rediculous things PCS puts me through... Seriously though, like everyone with common sense that I've talked to, this includes adults and relatives, think I am INSANE for taking the classes I did this year, and what the fuck!?!??!!? I am UNDERSTANDARD for PCS..... Oh MY GOD. I think I am going to have a HEART attack if I stay at this school...It's full of ROBOTS. and my mom constantly digs a thorn into my foot about this....
a. I feel bad, because I was such a whiny, depresssed, whore last year.....and my parents did PCS for me, but.... Now that I got a taste of it, I just can't handle.....I just..... I can't do prep school. But... I can't leave now, It's too fucking late.....
3.My parents didn't let me go to furcon.....The theme was fucking ancient Egypt this year, and I was going to see my best friend, Heather, Clinton, Heather's boyfriend, and a LOT of people I admire... I am so so so torn from everyone else that is at Furcon right now, it just fucking hurts...I just can't believe it ended up this way....I was so looking forward to it, infact this is the first year I thought I'd get to go since the fourth grade. I'm now in tenth grade, and my dreams were crushed.
a. Do you know why I am not allowed to go? Because there will be "wierd people" there....yes, wierd people...WELL NO SHIT, INCASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I AM ONE OF THOSE WIERD PEOPLE. and I am in the know about orgies, necrophilia, beastiality, yiff, and EVERYTHING else that will be there, what the fuck? I've even got testimonials from people who DO go saying that it would be cool if I went, even being fifteen...I tried EVERYTHING and my mom just keeps comin up with lame ass excuses to not let me go.
b. Like this......That I was ONLY good for a month, and that since I shoplifted and got caught, and my grades are shitty, that they won't go, even if it was proven everyone there was normal...What the fuck? How do you think getting caught impacted me? How do you think going to court is going to impact me? How do you think my friends look at me now? How do you think I look at MYSELF now? HOW THE FUCK DON'T YOU GET THAT IT EFFECTS ME SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU , MOM? I may be your daughter, but coming from an empath, I just want to curl up and die. I cried for so many nights, and I am so paranoid about what I will have to do, and how I will speak, and how I will keep myself from fucking killing myself....I don't and can't and won't handle being in court...I am neurotic, shy, passive, angry, tense, anxiety, and depression.....yeah, that's going to go over well... And SHE'S worried for herself? WELL MAYBE IF SHE'D SHUT HER FUCKING BITCHASS MOUTH AND STOP TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT, THEN IT WOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING EMBARASSING. I swear, I felt like I couldn't even go out in public... And I handled myself, I got back to normal in a day, I was joyous, I participated with the family, I sang three solos at my sister's bat mitzvah, I played piano, I've been doing constant favors, and TRYING at school...YOU SEE, even if you TRY at PCS, it's FUTILE. and oooooh no, Of course my mother doesn't owe ME any favors, because I've done absolutely NOTHING. It's a BIG thing for me to act happy, and be social, and do favors.... a very big thing. I also made the promise not to kill myself. Dude.... My parents give me no respect whatsoever, they are full of fucking bullshit. I've come to the realization that I am fed up with people walking all over me, and I should do whatever the hell I want, because no one really cares, and it won't Affect anyone. I am so fed up. And oh, my grades? well I explained that before.
4. I am fucking sick of my parents being so pessimistic about my future...They tell ME to stop complainging, and wretching? They're the ones saying that I will be living at home by age 23..... I swear to fucking god, and I hate when my mom goes around telling everyone what I am into, like it's their bussiness...I feel like I might as well be an actress, everyone fucking knows........She told her friend about furcon, and her friend went on the0 site, and read about it, and said it was innapropriate...WELL NO SHIT, IT'S MY OVERLY CONSERVATIVE TIGHT WAD MOTHER'S FRIEND. What else were you expecting? and the way she fucking gossips, and keeps things from me like a fucking teenage whore.
5.I am sick of people ignoring me, and pretending to care what's wrong. Seriously, Laura just walks up to me, asks what's wrong, and then walks away...What...The..Flying....FUCK?
6. Okay, my love at school, I am....Still...Head over heels, I just....I feel this willingness....Connection...Everything, and he still fails to notice me. At first I started to like him, and then he found out, and didn't like me...Then he wanted to get to know me, and we started hanging out, and my really good friend, who's good friends with him told me he really really liked me, and then.... Basically, he just started ignoring me pretty much, and I told him I really cared about him, and he told me a girlfriend boyfriend thing wouldn't work out, and now completely ignores me, and it still fucking hurts....
a. and the worst thing is? Now the girl who was trying to set us up is his new "best friend"...She's got a boyfriend alrieady, and she is super flirty with him, and snuggly, and he's perfectly fine with it, but when I tried to hug him, he'd look at me like I was dirt.and her boyfriend, who's bi, is best friends with him too, so it's like this perfect little love triangle,when it was supposed to be a square, and all of a sudden she put me out of contact with him, and all of them started pushing me away, so now I am outside a window of ENVY staring at the "perfect little threesome" every...fucking..day....Just growing continously jealous.
7.My love...My true love......I just treating me like an acquaintance, I really really fucked up..... and I don't know what to say to him anymore, or how to act, to make him treat me......Sweetly. And I was hoping to see him at furcon, so I could make ammends, and seduce him perhaps, and no...I won't be going, and he just.....We just can't understand eachother, and it's all my fault.....We're just...We're working, but not it's....It really hurts to see someone throw their life away like that, and be stubborn, and not listen to my suggestions, but then I also feel like...Redicoulus, and bitchy but..I want something to happen for him, and I want him back so bad, and I hate this...He's only fucking 45 minutes away, and I can't see him, and then he'll be gone again...It's like I'm chained to a pole....Chained and locked away, crying, sobbing, screaming to the sky... And also, I am so jealous of the way he treats my best friend...he treats HER like his fucking girlfriend...He acts like...He'd buy her anything she wanted, and all this shit, and treats me like...Nothing. Like someone he just met, and it crushes me inside, slowly.....Especially since I always take flight, because I can't handle JUST being his acquaintance. I want MORE. I NEED more....
8. I feel really akward with a friend's circumstances right now, and even though I try really hard, I still get jealous...I just, I really really really am distastefully against polygamy, and it seems like they're getting into it...and I just don't like how they act like they are the total alpha, and own everything, and I don't get their way of thinking, and I just get too envious, and too......Ugh, upset by their behaviour.... I don't think I'm right, but it really makes me uncomfortable, someone who thinks they are THAT dominant, and are able to have like, a harem of some sorts..... and their delusions are hard to believe, even though I try, and I want to...It just.... I try not to let this stuff bother me, because I dearly love them, but it hurts and bothers me.......
9. I think my best friend blocked me online.....I don't know what I did, and...I need her. She's at furcon right now, and I might see her tommorow night.
10. My other best friend here, in california, is living with someone who made me attempt to commit suicide...Yet again, I am severly jealous, and it makes me raelly, really depressed just to THINK that she's living with her...It just....tears me apart inside, really...and everything I try is futile...The worst part is, I agree with her father...There's no way in hell he beats her, she's making it all up, so she doesn't have to live with him...Now taht I think about it, she's a spoiled brat...But I miss her so much.........
11. My pills are NOT helping at all, and my fucking mother won't let me increase the dosage....
12. I've been getting tired lately, and falling asleep, and I...Just...Don't know.
13. I'm just mentally depressed......
14. Too overwhelmed with schoolwork.
15. Okay, I used to have this inner vision....Of myself, of my animal, of everything...Now I have no more imagination...It just kind of left my head one day.. just...When I try to imagine myself as a were, or anything of the sort, I just can't....I just.... I can't see myself at ALL. I can't see an animal ,it just keeps changing, and reaaranging itsself, adn I can't make out a form...I have no idea what my were is, and it really hurts me that it won't show it'sself to me, I need to see it, I need to draw...I've been stuck now, for quite some time with nothing to draw, which makes me really, really really really depressed beyong all reason.........
16. I've been grounded, so I've not been able to do anything with friends, and I'm dying here alone.
17. I feel so utterly alone, even when there are those around me who love me, because...Well....No one is flawless, and I am paranoid, and paranoia and jealousy are consuming me WHOLE.
18. By what my parents say, and what my life is like now, I just feel....I feel like my life is a complete waste, and a dead end....When I'm 18, where the hell am I going to go? I will have no where, except home, and..... That will not work, unless I commit suicide. I just...It's all a big dead end.
19. Lastly, well sort of, I mean, there are other things, but I am too brain dead to think of them...... Lastly, well.................... I am torn between pleasing those who love me (parents) and
LIVING
I am a wounded animal dragging itsself to it's den to lie down and die....
Quivering with rage
